I rarely have one of these. For the most part these tend to revolve around a new MTG deck I built for myself or someone, or a chance to increase sales or productivity at work. Rarely, if ever, do they ever have to do with something personal, much less spiritual.
I had one tonight.
In the strangest and ironic of situations. I was sipping a beer and listening to the Sea Wolf Mutiny tonight at a local pub and a ray of revelation hit me. For the first time in a long time I think I know what I want to do with my life, and I think I know a good couple of steps to get there.
Really this isn't a new idea. I honestly am not going to go through it or in to much detail. This is really a personal life decision, personal in the sense that I would rather explain it to people in a personal setting than in the detached pseudo-communication form known as blogging.
Really I am just putting it here to ask for prayer. This is a big decision, a big dream. One that my wife and I need to think and pray alot about and have others do the same with us. Your prayers, encouragement and inquisitiveness is welcome and appreciated!
So, most likely this wont make much sense to anyone but me, and most likely, this is something that will take a long time to flesh out and bring to a point of competent thinking. For now I will ramble, and if anyone wishes to read further into my ramblings you are welcome.
I know God is seen, sensed, described as, portrayed as many things, many personalities. I know that even within this diversity He is still only one God. I have never quite struggled with many of the facets of God. I accept the Trinity for what it is and its role in our life. I accept the friendship and brotherhood of Christ. I acknowledge and even embrace the idea of God as our King, (which is odd that the one the most like an authority figure is the one I most easily relate and adhere to). I have only recently began to sort out the fact that I struggle with the idea of God as a father.
Father...
My fathers have been varied in my life. I have had two 'fathers", several "father figures" and an ambiguous idea that God wants to be a "Father" to all his "Children". The point is, I cannot seem to understand how this works. My examples of what a father is are not exactly ideal, consistent, etc. I believe I have a firm idea of what a Father should be, growing up in a church surrounded by godly men my entire life has given me insight but not understanding. My biological father and my mother divorced when I was about two years old, to this day I am not sure if I was ever told an exact age or year this occurred, I just know it has. I remember Travis at various times throughout childhood, none to explicit. I remember my mom saying things in hushed tones and undercurrents of warning or anger about him. Most vividly I remember when he declared he was done being any type of father to his children. This wasn't explicitly stated but when you walk out of someone's life for 5+ years, it tends to be assumed you have abandoned any type of relationship there may have been. I also remember the night he came back in to my life. I sat in the attic of my grandmother's house, clutching a phone will I futilely tried to defend my faith, family, friends and life decisions, while the man who kept proclaiming that he was my father consistently tried to tear them apart. I remember the tension and anger building until with a single confession he hurled his last attack at me, "I'm gay". I admit I was not much surprised by the truth of the statement, but more by the intention. A declaration about a choice in lifestyle that was meant to cause pain. To this day I don't quite understand it. This is the "father" I have known has existed in the far wings of my 22 years of life, rarely heard from, usually forgot anything important in life and would every so often send Child Support or a birthday card that was a few months late, if at all. This is not an ideal image of a God who says he is a Father. This is a large stumbling block to me. This view of God is simple, an individual who leaves you early, should have wanted to stay and love you, and every so often sends some type of support if they can remember or care.
My parents are near divorcing. This fact alone is driving me to a point of destruction. The idea that a family unit that has been in existence for most of my life can suddenly be abandoned kills me.
It hurts.
My mother remarried when I was very young. The man who became my step father was the man who I most look at as an example of what a father should be. Please here me clearly, I respect and love this man for everything he has done for his family. He would wake up before dawn every morning, go to a job that he hated and belittled his talents and intelligence. Perform back breaking work all day for a paycheck that he knew would never be enough to cover all his responsibilities. Come home to a family for a few hours, perform more tasks and work, deal out discipline where necessary, praise if there was any to be given, and some humor if there was any to be found, head to bed late to wake up and do the process again. The only break was Sunday, where he would wake up, attempt to spur his family out of bed and to the only place and God he knew could keep them all together, and still at least half of the time would attend by himself. I have NEVER known someone who has worked so hard and sacrificed so much of himself for his family. It wasn't until I left my family's home that I came to truly appreciate and begin to understand this man. I regret every time I ever back talked, defied or lied to this man. He is the reason I would still hold any respect for father figures. Yet, this example to, falls short of what I believe a Father God should be. This example is simple,a God who is to overworked and depressed to really reach out to his children, not because he doesn't care, but because he simply has no energy or time to do so. A god who is to bogged down with the responsibilities of his station, that he has no time to really get to know who is around him. A god who is called upon to deal out punishment to sinners, and rarely give praise to those who tried. I wanted a dad, not a service and care provider. I do not ever blame him for this shortcoming. He is above blame in this, and I treasure every attempt he did make to reach me on a level that I would feel loved and accepted.
The hardest part is this:
I watched this man give so much of himself that he finally reached a point where he had nothing left. He is now admittedly empty. He is a shell of what he used to be. He has nothing left to give my family, or to give himself. This is why he has asked for a separation. I believe it is a plea for us to leave before the empty shell of a man falls in on itself.
Is this what happens to God? Will I eventually drain Him? When my cup runs over, is his empty?
I do not know God as a father, and because of this, I feel that I cannot really know God at all. If I cannot accept or believe in God the father, can I really believe in God at all? The questions are rhetorical, but they are important to me.
I am afraid of god the father. Not the good fear we are to have of a omnipotent being, but a fear of who that it is up above the clouds watching us everyday.
I believe it is this fear and uncertainty that has me afraid of being a father myself. There are tons of logistical and logical reasons for me and Elizabeth to not have children right now. Yet, fear is the one that really keeps me from it. I cannot fathom being a father to a child, the idea is terrifying. More specifically, one day it will be my responsibility to lead that child to a Heavenly father, one I do not even understand. I cannot do this....
Do you dream , that the world will know your name? So tell me your name. (Tell me your name.) Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all? (Anything at all.) I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel. (I wanna feel.) I want a sunburn, just to know that I'm alive... To know I'm alive. (To know I'm alive.)
Don't tell me if I'm dyin, cause I don't wanna know. If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go. Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon. Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.
Do you believe, in the day that you were born? Tell me do you believe. (Do you believe.) And Do you know, that every day's the first of the rest of your life.
Don't tell me if I'm dyin, cause I don't wanna know. If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go. Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon. Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.
This is to one last day in the shadows. And to know a brother's love. This is to New York City angels. And the rivers of our blood. This is to all of us, to all of us.
So don't tell me if I'm dyin, cause I don't wanna know. If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go. Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon. Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.
Yeah, you can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies. And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side. But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know, No I don't wanna know, no.
Don't tell me if I'm dyin. Don't tell me if I'm dyin.
I am doing ok... Let me explain that the last thing I wrote was more or lesss what I should have written about three months ago. I myself am doing pretty well considering the whole situation. I have not lost my faith in God, just alot of those who should be doing what they need to be. Allow me to also explain this, the struggle I have will essentially always exist. I have a strange tendency to always strive towards the ideal situation. I will fight for it to the bitter end, things can always be better than they are, and you should always leave something better than when you found it, that is a good glimpse in how I view life. "It is not just boredom that propels my steps along paths unknown,
but a firm belief that the guiding principle of life must be a search
for Not What Is, but For What Could Be. To look at injustice or
oppression, at poverty or slavery , and shrug helplessly, or worse, to
twist a god's "word" to justify such states, is anathema to the ideal,
and to me, the ideal is only achieved only when the ideal is sought.
The ideal is not a gift from the gods, but a promise from them. We
are possessed of reason We are possessed of generosity. We are
possessed of sympathy and empathy. We have within us a better nature,
and it is one that cannot be confined by the constructed walls of
anything short of the concept of heaven itself. Within the very logic
of that better nature, a perfect life cannot be found in a world that
is imperfect. So we dare to seek. So we dare to change. Even knowing
that we will not get to "heaven" in this life is no excuse to hide
within the comfort of routine. For it is in that seeking, in that
continual desire to improve ourselves and to improve the world around
us, that we walk the road of enlightenment, that we can eventually
approach the gods with heads bowed in humility, but with confidence
that we did their work, that we tried to lift ourselves and our world
to their lofty standards, the image of the ideal"
It seems to me now that that one of the biggest struggles I have with the church is this: it is complacent. It seems as if almost everyone knows there are problems, there are things that hurt, there are things that are sinful, but most are content to let them pass, turn a blind eye and hope they go away; or rather slap a quick fix on it and hope for the best. Improvement doesn't really seem to be on the agenda, it always just seems to be easier to sit there and hope it gets better without action, or with the resignation that it is simpler to maintain, not to improve. WE SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK TO IMPROVE!
Through all of this I know God will lead, I have known that since the day I walked out of that church. There is another road, it seems I just had to see the monsters in a clearer light before I can set out to fight them. Therefore I will always seem to be living the life of a struggling warrior. I am no Beowulf, no Aragorn, in the end I will not achieve victory over the insurmountable obstacles. However, I will fight for the cause and side that has already claimed the victory. Its a great revelation to know that in the end, all I must do is endure, resist, and continue to run on to that glorious finish line.
I'll go ahead and warn everyone who is about to read this about the topic that is below. Most everyone knows I was employed by a local church as a part-time youth minister and then subsequently was asked for my resignation a few months later. No news there I don't believe. I would also go on to say that a majority of people also know that to date, I have set foot in a church once since said incident (not including weddings). It is a sad fact of life but one that is reality. So basically what is about to follow is me rambling, ranting, venting, processing, etc. and randomly infused with song lyrics as they come to mind, about the whole thing (in what is probably going to be a non-coherent or grammatically correct document) and trying to get rid of this infection that grows just under the facade of my existence so that I can perhaps begin to heal. The reason I choose to do it on Xanga is simple, I don't want to write it on paper, I don't like word processors on CIU computers and I am hoping for the off-chance that maybe someone can give me some hope in this road I'm traversing at the moment.
I am angry. More than that, I am hateful. I can express it now, I hate that church for what it did to me. The underhanded treatment of myself and Elizabeth, the disregard for well-being, the demands made against Biblical standards and just simple common sense and decency have angered me. I did not and still do not have any desire to set foot in that church again. The problem now is that feeling has extended to every church. I know that not all churches are like that, far from it. I know people who attend great churches who are very caring, I am happy for them. Yet as it stands I am without a church, and to be completely honest, most of me doesn't give a damn. I have been surrounded by failure. Let me clarify, I am not surrounded by failures, but failure. I have seen many people fall, many people mess up, many people who basically just made something so completely wrong that it falls apart around them to the pain of many. I have contributed to some of these things, others I sat back and watched helplessly. Helpless is how I feel. Helpless and angry is a terrible combination, but it seems the logical place for me to end up right now. The whole experience has ruined me and has put a huge weight on my faith. It struggles day after day to even produce a small glowing ember. It has all but died and there always looms another situation to stamp out the last bit of heat. I hold no trust for anything that remotely deals with Christianity as I have experienced it today, because it is messed up. Inevitably it fails, people get hurt, shoved aside, told to get over it, etc. From my church back home, to CIU, to the church I worked at, to anything I have done that has labeled itself as a Christian institution, it fails. I know this is inevitable, I know people are fallen, etc, etc. It doesn't help. Telling me any cliche about people in churches, or as fallen individuals isn't going to change it or enlighten me to something else, it will just bounce off as another useless expression that vainly attempts to put a bandaid on a open wound. "Billy don't you understand, Timothy stood as long as he could and now, you made his faith disappear, more like a magician and less like a man of the cloth. We're not questioning God, just those He chose to carry on His cross. We're no better you'll see, just all of us, the lost causes" Part of a song that always comes to mind when I try to process through this in my mind. Cause I can see it, i can visualize what some of that is like, I have felt it. Elizabeth and I once talked about what would happen if we ran into anyone from the church. What would we say if the question, "how are you"?, ever came up. It was in answering that question that I finally came to realize the hate I held toward that place. My answer was clear and honest, "Tell them, 'thanks for completely effing up Michael's faith'. Tell them he hates the church, any church, just because of what your corrupted leadership and politics have done. He holds no faith that the church can do anything in today's world, he wonders why there is even a point. He hates himself for the failure you made him feel like, and he hates what he knows you are doing to people week after week. Feeding them lies before the communion and offering empty words and prayers to sooth the pains, a temporary salves that leaves you in more pain when it has worn off. Tell them....". Yeah, thats about it, thanks for ruining a young man's faith. All this doesn't even feel like it scratches the surface. I need to find my faith again, but I don't know where to look here. Which is why I am constantly looking in one of two directions, north, or east. I need a new beginning, a new place to attempt to relight my fires as it were. A new journey, away from the past. I know what I want, I just know I don't want to really pursue it. Because doing so means I have to face once again the demons of past mistakes, both committed and observed. I just want it to be the way it was, when faith sustained, not hurt. When the church was a support, not a millstone around my neck. And yet, I don't. I don't want that at all, cause I know it can never be the same way again. "Told you and the devil to both, just leave me alone". I wish it were that simple, to just be left alone by the church, and the devil, to live simply, without a need and without an enemy. Is it possible? I know why the lyrics I posted last time and am about to post again seemed to fit, cause in its entirety, they express confusion, and pain, and that is where I am.
Take what you will, what you will
And leave. Could you kill, could you kill me
If the world was on fire
And nothing was left but hope or desire
And take all that I could bring forth,is this hell
Or am I on the floor over-desperate?
Hold hands streaming of blood again?
And then take full weight of me
Guard my dreams, figure this out,
It's me on my own. Helpless, hurting, hell
Will you stay strong as you promised?
Cause I'm stranded and bare.
Meanness is washed up in all that I am
Is God. Take this and all,
Then grace takes me to a place
Of the father you never had
Ripping and breaking and tearing apart
This is not heaven
This is my hell.
Its a plea, a begging for release. Its a cry of help from a person so confused they don't know if they want death, or life, if they want the God and life they once had, or a simple existence of being left alone. Yet through it all it seems all they are looking for is hope, hope that it won't always hurt, it won't always be lonely, an existence of failure and defeat. Defeat, I think is what is killing me slowly. I was defeated, I came in to do something good and right. No I didn't do it perfectly, yes, I messed up a couple of times, but in the end I was defeated, not by the devil, but by those who claimed to be doing the will of God. This is the defeat I feel, my faith was crushed, and the hope I hold onto is slowly dying. The dying of hope is the worst pain anyone can feel I think, because without hope, there is no reason for anything else. I have little hope left that my faith can be restored, that i can again find myself in some type of community. Everything around me screams differently, but it seems as if only a whisper to the bellowing of the confusion and doubt this has instilled in me.
I have nothing left to say right now. I have pured out what I could articulate of my heart and mind and as I said, it is but a poor reflection in a dirty mirror of that is really raging inside of me.
